i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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