I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
