discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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