What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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