My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
