yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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