The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
