I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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