I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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