I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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