I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
