Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
