In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
