last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
