I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
