life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
