If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
