we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
