oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
