the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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