Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
