just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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