You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
