I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
