I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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