You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
