I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
