Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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