i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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