You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
