I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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