You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
