i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
