If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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