i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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