Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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