Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
