i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
