Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I forget how to act sober
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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