Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
