So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
