i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
