i permit you to call me
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
