When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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