I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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