It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
