she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
