So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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