I can text with my tongue
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
