Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
